Oh it's been so long since I blogged! Life must've been busy. Gosh, busy with dramas perhaps.
Shit's happened so fast that to keep track of my own life is so complicating and I think I even gave up. I think.
To start, I'd say college life has been fine. Studying and all. Grades are moderate. Payment's been negotiated and I manage to get the loan from the government, Thank You Lord! But when it comes to friends...well...as always, bumpy roads.
Reen is no longer a friend, or that sister I accepted in my heart (probably part of me still think she is), or my house-mate. If she sees this post, she'd probably go HU-HAA again because I'm "back-stabbing" her. Because according to her, all Filipinos are like that. Yeap, those words still sting worst than a bee sting. Sigh. I guess, for the year 2012, what I can learn for the billionth time is that, we can't trust people so much. Especially when they're not of one you grew up with, or knew before you became close. It just becomes a shipwreck EVERY TIME. First Zoe, then Michelle, then Reen. Bleh! Even Zoe I can forgive because it was a petty matter. Michelle, I still haven't want to accept as a friend, not any more I guess but I've forgiven her. I mean, we were just teenagers making stupid mistakes and decisions.
But Reen...my god, Reen. She screwed with me like a hurricane! I have to say, she is believably psychotic! It may hurt her, no, it WILL hurt her if I of all people say that. Because I've stayed with her for 10 months! 10 friggin months man. Imagine my pain when she said I was "intrusive", a "back-stabber", I "invite" myself into her life. I fucking got shot in the brains!
I'm still not over it. I dare say it here. I put on a face when I see her. I kill her many times in my brain when I hear her voice in class. Sometimes when the sight of her irritated me to the max because of how heartless she appears to be, I wished she would just die. From her stupid disease or something. But I'd stop and tell myself to wake up and get real. That's how life is. God gave me tough situations not because He wants to torture me, but because He wants me to be prepared for the worst. He wants me to know the world. He wants me to realise why He sometimes punishes the evil. He wants me to help Him.
I try. I can't promise because I'm not ready to completely forgive. My heart still prick. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My mother was right, I give in to friends. I love them too much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm normal for having such a heart?
Because at the end of the day, they only think of themselves.
Screw that dilemma. Guess what's the next realisation?
My mother don't understand me. :/ That's what I think. Well mum, if you see this, or you hear it from a friend, I want you to know that maybe at time, you don't know how your child feel like. Maybe I've been away too long, you can't feel what I feel any more. At least not so accurate.
I don't hate you for nagging all the time. I just wish you'd talk to me as my age. The tone I mean. And quit accusing me of something! I never said I'm old enough to decide for myself that I don't require your advice. I just said I'm old enough, lay back a little and let me do what I do. When the mistake is done, then you shoot your "I told you so". You've told me what I need to know while I grew up, now I wanna live it. I know you care, I care too. I do love myself. I'm not silly enough to give myself in to trouble. Yeah, okay, I'm a flight-risk, but doesn't mean I wanna die all the time. Or get raped. Or be molested. Or be dumb and be exploited. God gave me brains! You planted me enough knowledge! I'm using it!
I just want the opportunity to show you, even if it's not something to be proud of.
You're my mum, my best-friend. Someone I talk to. And you've got to stop competing with my boyfriend. I know you want respect, we do respect you. We just want you to accept us.
Well, I won't be surprised if you saw this, or you heard it from your friend, and yell at me again because I don't know how to compare what personal matter is and public matter.
I KNOW.
I just DON'T CARE.
Because I can't talk to you about it. Because just so you know, I'm not the only one who don't listen. You don't too. When you're mad, you don't even see me as your daughter. That's how I feel.
So I'm sorry. This is me. I'm different, yes. Very true. Because I've been exposed to the world, the wicked, the vulgarities, and I've learned to put on a skin that people hate to see when they piss me off. I can't be like before any more. I refuse to. Because now I believe that if I have something to say, I'll say it. But if you won't hear me, I'll post it until you find out.
Then you'd know how I really feel.
I wish you'd know how I always cry behind you after we fight.
I can lose a friend any-time. I don't wanna lose a mum.
We can fight. But please promise me what you used to promise; "I won't keep my anger to sleep. I'll be better in the morning."
It's been 2 days mum. Please be okay or I won't like staying home, and you'll keep being mad because I'll keep going out.
Sigh.
Reen is no longer a friend, or that sister I accepted in my heart (probably part of me still think she is), or my house-mate. If she sees this post, she'd probably go HU-HAA again because I'm "back-stabbing" her. Because according to her, all Filipinos are like that. Yeap, those words still sting worst than a bee sting. Sigh. I guess, for the year 2012, what I can learn for the billionth time is that, we can't trust people so much. Especially when they're not of one you grew up with, or knew before you became close. It just becomes a shipwreck EVERY TIME. First Zoe, then Michelle, then Reen. Bleh! Even Zoe I can forgive because it was a petty matter. Michelle, I still haven't want to accept as a friend, not any more I guess but I've forgiven her. I mean, we were just teenagers making stupid mistakes and decisions.
But Reen...my god, Reen. She screwed with me like a hurricane! I have to say, she is believably psychotic! It may hurt her, no, it WILL hurt her if I of all people say that. Because I've stayed with her for 10 months! 10 friggin months man. Imagine my pain when she said I was "intrusive", a "back-stabber", I "invite" myself into her life. I fucking got shot in the brains!
I'm still not over it. I dare say it here. I put on a face when I see her. I kill her many times in my brain when I hear her voice in class. Sometimes when the sight of her irritated me to the max because of how heartless she appears to be, I wished she would just die. From her stupid disease or something. But I'd stop and tell myself to wake up and get real. That's how life is. God gave me tough situations not because He wants to torture me, but because He wants me to be prepared for the worst. He wants me to know the world. He wants me to realise why He sometimes punishes the evil. He wants me to help Him.
I try. I can't promise because I'm not ready to completely forgive. My heart still prick. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My mother was right, I give in to friends. I love them too much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm normal for having such a heart?
Because at the end of the day, they only think of themselves.
Screw that dilemma. Guess what's the next realisation?
My mother don't understand me. :/ That's what I think. Well mum, if you see this, or you hear it from a friend, I want you to know that maybe at time, you don't know how your child feel like. Maybe I've been away too long, you can't feel what I feel any more. At least not so accurate.
I don't hate you for nagging all the time. I just wish you'd talk to me as my age. The tone I mean. And quit accusing me of something! I never said I'm old enough to decide for myself that I don't require your advice. I just said I'm old enough, lay back a little and let me do what I do. When the mistake is done, then you shoot your "I told you so". You've told me what I need to know while I grew up, now I wanna live it. I know you care, I care too. I do love myself. I'm not silly enough to give myself in to trouble. Yeah, okay, I'm a flight-risk, but doesn't mean I wanna die all the time. Or get raped. Or be molested. Or be dumb and be exploited. God gave me brains! You planted me enough knowledge! I'm using it!
I just want the opportunity to show you, even if it's not something to be proud of.
You're my mum, my best-friend. Someone I talk to. And you've got to stop competing with my boyfriend. I know you want respect, we do respect you. We just want you to accept us.
Well, I won't be surprised if you saw this, or you heard it from your friend, and yell at me again because I don't know how to compare what personal matter is and public matter.
I KNOW.
I just DON'T CARE.
Because I can't talk to you about it. Because just so you know, I'm not the only one who don't listen. You don't too. When you're mad, you don't even see me as your daughter. That's how I feel.
So I'm sorry. This is me. I'm different, yes. Very true. Because I've been exposed to the world, the wicked, the vulgarities, and I've learned to put on a skin that people hate to see when they piss me off. I can't be like before any more. I refuse to. Because now I believe that if I have something to say, I'll say it. But if you won't hear me, I'll post it until you find out.
Then you'd know how I really feel.
I wish you'd know how I always cry behind you after we fight.
I can lose a friend any-time. I don't wanna lose a mum.
We can fight. But please promise me what you used to promise; "I won't keep my anger to sleep. I'll be better in the morning."
It's been 2 days mum. Please be okay or I won't like staying home, and you'll keep being mad because I'll keep going out.
Sigh.
