So it's been a long time, almost a year now, since I was last on this page.
Crazy year. More to come I guess, I mean, my last post said 2012 was dramatic, 2013 gets better. Sarcasm noted.
Let's see, what's happened this year:
1. Break that led to a Break-Up (Still haven't recovered really)
2. Finals (which I'm going insane thinking about, I'm praying I make it through)
3. Home (is not as pleasing as it seems as I'm in the same town as him)
So far, those are the major ones.
It all started in February, dates unnecessary to be written, not that i'll forget. It's engraved in my brain. God, I sound depressed. Anyways, we fought, he and I, over a petty matter which led to him saying "I think we both need a break". I was gobsmacked by this. I really did not expect it as it was not as if we were fighting because I caught him downing another girl. Dios mios, nothing like that, it was just a small argument and I got shot in the heart with the word "Break". That's like my theme this year. Bloody "Break".
I don't know. Eventually we talked, and I couldn't put my finger on whether it was because of distance or because he meant it when he said he didn't love me anymore. It still breaks my heart when I remind myself that he said that. I can't seem to believe it at all. After all we've been through together, it's impossible for me to accept.
We were counting days for me to come home. For him to be in my arms again. I dare say it took me almost 5 months afterwards to blog about it at all as it hurts remembering stuff. Along the way of recovery perhaps I learned that I may never get him back again, and maybe I should just be thankful for all the memories and little dirty secrets. Sigh.
In the beginning it was really tough, trying to forget and forgive and let go. I don't know why I needed to forgive, I was mad I guess, and jealous at the same time. Hell, why wouldn't I be mad, just a month of break up, some girl asked ME of HIS number, what logic is that? Which ex-girlfriend wouldn't be mad.
Urgh, ex-girlfriend. I hate calling myself that. Not his ex at least. BLEH.
The only good thing that came out of all of this incredulous break up is that I became more musically involved. I started writing songs, named the damn album Break, as it was a dedication to him. Haha. It's funny really, most times I'd wonder how he'd react to it. I'm thinking along the lines of "What a damn Taylor Swift". :P Just saying, not that I'm mocking Taylor Swift. She can be a good singer/songwriter. ;)
Anyways, I'm currently completing the album on my own, and perhaps get my band to do a recording with me soon. Fingers crossed. Otherwise, it'll never get published and those songs are merely self entertainment. Hehe.
Writing songs helped me recover from the break up, honest, it was like magic! But it only last for so long. When my head starts to wander away in the past again, I'll weep like a baby who hasn't been fed its milk. It's mind-boggling! He'll be the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. Crazy times.
However, now it's rather controllable. The only time I become really emotional is when somebody asks about him and I'd have to explain the Goddamned situation over and over. And it gets me thinking about him. Or it could be times where I'd see his photo, or I'd see his name on the side of my Facebook page, or his name would be on the first row whenever I had to tag someone into a picture, it stresses me out!
Part of me still wants him back, part of me is unsure and everyone seems to be telling me to move on and go find myself a man. "You need a man!" says a 'man' to me. Haha. I'm gonna be cheesy and say, he was my man. He may not buy me flowers or chocolates or gifts, but he sings to me, writes to me, talks to me, go crazy with me, makes me smile like a helpless girl, be my girlfriend when in need and he makes me happy everyday. I live everyday, encouraged to do my best so I'd come home as an accomplished woman into his embrace. Isn't that enough? He may look like a little boy beside me, making me look like a cougar, but looks are just looks after all. Should I really care?
Sigh.
I don't know. I won't dwell about that. I prayed and asked God about him, whether he'd ever come back to me, if not, will he still come back as my bestfriend at least? I really miss him - his laugh, his crazy thoughts, his mischief, his cooking! his company, most of all.
And there was a passage that replied to that question of mine, which I can't decide if it was talking about him, or Him:
2 CORINTHIANS
"...it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him. I wrote to you as I did to test you and see if you would fully comply with my instructions. When you forgive this man, I forgive him, too." 2:7-10
I read this last week, and I can't put a finger on it. After reading this last week, I was so very tempted to call him up, or text him rather, just to talk. But I was battling with myself. I don't know if he'd be free, or most importantly, comfortable! I was conflicted. :( Comes with time I guess, maybe soon I'll do it. Just maybe.
He promised me when we broke up, that when I am finally home, he'd tell me how he sincerely feels. We'd basically go out, have a drink and talk, I guess. At least that was the idea to me. But it never happened. I've been home for 2 months now, and nothing. I saw him, a few times, but that's about it. He tapped my arm just to say hi, that's an effort, but that about it. He leaves me hanging when we're chatting, like I saw a ray of hope for us, "It was good to see you again though" kind of hope, BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT. Nothing more.
It's frustrating. But I learned that I just gotta leave nature to work on its own. The more I meddle, the more "That's About It"s I'm gonna get. It makes me wanna pull my head off!
I just pray that he'd come along soon, even if it's just to talk, and nothing works out. I'm leaving soon, and maybe not ever wanting to come back home anymore because I feel unpurposeful here now. I know, ridiculous me, I have my family, my friends, but it doesn't appeal to me anymore. I feel like everything is pushing me away and I'm pushing everything away. I used to want to come home, because I have him to jump to besides family, but now it's just...nothing. I'm being very unreasonable, yes I am. I'm letting one guy destroy me.
I'll be fine.
Promise. I just want to find myself now. I felt like I lost half of me. Now I gotta find it. It was dumped somewhere in this world.
Oh poo hoo dramatic me. Such a desperate loser. *shakes head*
I guess that's it, my once upon a time.
Sorry for the sappiness. Happiness on the next post perhaps.
Toodles.
