I guess i'm just feeling a little disturbed in my mind. Maybe i'm thinking too much? Or rather i'm missing my family? Hell, I don't feel loved at all here. I just miss that feeling where you have a mother who cares for you when you wake up first thing in the morning. Maybe I lost that vibe because of so many fight I had with her over the phone. Maybe it's because of the fact that some people love inventing twisted stories to my parents making them hate me more each day. I don't find this as any bullshit trial! I know saying this would probably suck because firstly, i'm not supposed to doubt God that He can help me through. Secondly, i'm not supposed to hate every wrong things that's happening because it's the one thing that helps me grow up!
*sigh*
I just feel so down. I don't know. Maybe I should be places in a ward. You know, the mental ward? I miss the times where i'd be at church alone on Sunday afternoons, waiting for my band mates to arrive while I just silently remove my thoughts for Jesus to hear. Then i'd feel so much better. I'd feel so deliberated I just smile the whole day. Heck, it's not possible NOT to smile when i'm in church. It's the one things I love about putting myself there.
But here...I don't even have the bloody time or even transport to visit Jesus. I love You Lord, I do and I keep saying and maing broken promises about coming to church on Sundays..but I always end up failing that task. I can never fulfill them here. NEVER. And the fact that i'm turning eighteen this Monday...I just really want to go to church this Sunday, tell You how much i've missed serving You Lord, and worship You my Lord, there's so much pain and burden in my heart that I feel so alone and lost. I want You to come into my life Lord, I want You to be here with me again, guide me and tell me the right things. I want to be able to praise You!
God, I hate shedding tears before I sleep. It sucks. There goes my eyes for college. Haizz..my parents are coming next Friday. I don't know...maybe a month ago i'd be ecstatic about it but now, it's just a piece of crap knowing they'll be here. I don't want to face them if they refuse to treat me as the person I am. Hell, my mother can't even say any decent words with me on skype earlier. I was peacefully enjoying my evening, until she videocalled for some group cam reason with her sister which HAD to involve me, then when her sister couldn't get things straight with the cam, my own mother didn't even have the strength to talk to me. That shows how much hatred she has for me. SO WHAT'S THE POINT OF COMING HERE AT ALL MOM? WHAT'S THE DAMN POINT?
I'm so sick and tired of everything. I just am..the thought of qutting college is intimidating but the thought of quitting then going HOME, now that just sucks. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to sleep everynight crying. I don't want to close my eyes with pain in my heart. I DON'T WANT THAT.
*sigh*
Misunderstandings are just effing shit man. *yawn* Here comes my sleep. Finally.
Goodnight world.
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