Post-Teenager-ism?

Every second, hour, day; I'm merely getting older. But it seems like I'm slowly coming back to becoming the child I used to be. Selfish, annoying, careless, rude, mean, BOY-CRAZY. Dear God.

I don't know. I guess I'm just down that I hurt a friend's feelings? That's really new to me though. I've never exactly felt down. I was usually eager to say sorry. But after being set aside and criticized that my apologies should only be said when I mean it, I felt so stupid.

Ultimately because, I DO mean it when I say it. Sigh.

And it's all so child-like because no one is admitting to any fault. One would accuse the other of being angry when they're not. I'm not angry man, I'm only sad. Sad that at this point of my life, I can't get anything straight! It's like I'm always throwing myself out there, but I never seem to be appreciated. Oh damn that whole "don't expect anything in return" bullshit. Sometimes, it's just NICE to be appreciated okay. NICE.

Anyone who disagree, do give me a piece of your mind and perhaps I could meddle about it.

Look at me, I make myself sound like I turned 50 or something. Good God, I'm only 20, this is nowhere near the end. It's the beginning Jay! Urgh, life.

Then when I think I'm okay, I could be happy again, I've got friends who care, I'm over the past, maybe I could go fishing, even if it only means fishing with no bait - no hope in getting any fish; BAM, something in the past would float across my face and tell me that I haven't unlocked the final door to freedom. -.-

It's frustrating!

Like today, I was on the way to college. I was cool, I was swaying to the music, walking without a care about the world when a stranger doing his job stopped me to hand me a yellow rose. I was baffled. Not because he was a stranger on a job giving out free flowers, but because I've never gotten a flower from anyone really. Yeah sure, I wasn't a girly girl who expects gifts and shit, but the feeling it gives. It got me wondering why I never gotten anything like that, I've dated 2 guys so far, yeah sad sob story, but the point is, I've never even gotten flowers from them. NOT EVEN THEM. And I wondered, did they ever really cared for me the way I cared?

So...the whole world swirled into the black-hole that was waiting behind me all along.

And then another incident came alone. An eye-candy. Oh damn that hot stuff in class that I don't have the balls to talk to. Tall, nice-figured, handsome, a little TOO HANDSOME for my league, speaks really good English and that sure as hell turns me on, and dear God, what am I doing describing him here?! =.=

ANYWAYS, he was in my class today. And from a downer day, I was happy again. All happy and swoony UNTIL, I realised I forgot my pencil case, and I have no stationary at all for class. *curses* All I had to do was ask that hot stuff to lend me a pen, all I had to do was that, but the past came crashing back, blocking my way. It was yelling at me how I was a stupid girl, I was making myself look like an idiot, it would never work out, ever! All my friendship/relationship with anyone will be destroyed.

Oh man, I panicked, I was depressed again, so I walked out to find a pen elsewhere.

And the whole day was just me staring at the back of that guy's head in class while the lecturer was going on and on about the lesson. Hrmm. All I had to do was ask, or say hello, but I freaked.

Screw post-teenager-ism! If it is at all the fault of that! I want to be normal again damnit!

I need to grow up. Though I must insist that he'd really good-looking, he's a distraction!

Toodles.

The Dream-like Flutter

I woke up this morning with the high sound of "Mhmm" from myself. And my eyes fluttered open, realising it was all a dream, and it felt unbelievably too real, and awkward and I did find myself wondering if he had the same dream.

I was supposedly troubled, in my dream. I'm not sure if I was pregnant, or was it just a normal teen trouble, or was it family pressure, I can't remember much of this detail, but I was troubled enough to walk myself to church. And it wasn't the usual church I'd go to. I've never even seen this church, it was in the deep area of BDC? Stutong? Oh I don't know, I wouldn't know as I've never really went to any church in that area. But my dream said otherwise.

I was walking on pebbles, then up a few stairs, into the beautifully lit church. There was a warm feeling inside, and a couple of elderly people sitting here and there. I walked in, attempting to silent my phone as it beeped, indicating a message, and everyone turned to glare. I walked with my head down, successful in shutting my beeping phone and took a seat a few rows in the front. I noticed loud chattering on the row next to mine, I think they were Korean members, but it was none of my concern at that time. I was troubled.

I knelt down on the kneeling panel provided, clasped my hands together and prayed. I can't remember what I asked for, but I remembered my eyes were open, staring up at the crucifix, and I remembered the commentator announcing morning service for Merdeka for the following morning. The congregations' mumbles became louder, especially the Korean members, they were going on and on about how tomorrow's service would be too early if I wasn't mistaken. I tried my best to focus on my prayer, I promise, I was trying, but they were too loud, that I couldn't hear myself think at all, my eyes started wandering around the altar that was before me. It was when the doors behind the altar - the big doors where usually the altar boys and priests would walk through to get changed, where all the hymn music sheets are kept in an old cabinet, where the church helpers would do about their business, where the control of the power switch of the whole church is located - opened, that I noticed him. I knew who he was, dressed in dark but prominent blue, or was it indigo? That's beside the point, I saw that he was helping around, he had a nice hair cut and I realised I was staring when he looked my way and stared back.

With this, my eyes quickly shut and I concluded my intended prayer, made my sign of the cross and got up from my knees to leave. My pale legs in my black flats and black dress seemed to tremble as it walked out. As I turned away from this guy who was walking towards me, I heard him say something. I can't remember what it was, it frustrates me that I can't remember my dream! But it was perhaps along the lines of "Hey, it's you". PERHAPS. I'm unsure. But anyways, I ignored him and pretended I didn't hear him and just continued to walk along the aisle of the church to the exit. I don't know why I did that. I guess I was nervous? Because I thought he was cute? Oh I don't know. It was too weird, maybe I didn't want myself to feel like I like this guy because I was still not over my previous relationship. Despite the fact that it's been what, 6 months since the breakup? Oh I don't know how this even relates!

But I walked away, and when I felt like he wasn't following me, I stopped at the exit to check my phone for the time. And I looked up at the gate to figure out how I was going to get out of the area. I was walking after all, and I don't intend to get lost in a maze as it was a really hot day. Too hot for a pale child in all black. Then I saw his smiling face on the corner of my eyes, he walked past me and waved to ensure I notice him this time.

"You didn't hear me?" he asked, with this innocent voice, really sure he relayed what he said earlier.

"Hey! It's you!" I pointed at him, faking glee. "Hear what?" my eyes were acting in confusion. I was a terrific actor alright.

"I saw you inside, and I greeted you but you didn't turn. So I'm guessing you didn't hear me." He said, motioning me to walk with him out to the main gate. So I did.

"Yeah, I guess I was thinking a lot." I stopped at that, it was a half lie and half truth. I was thinking of all my problems, but it wasn't to the extent that I didn't hear him or rather see him. I was just nervous. I only met him once and that was weeks ago at a gig that Theresa set me up for. He was talking to me as if we've been friends since forever.

He asked where I was going and I grimaced at the thought. Told him that I was walking back home but I didn't really know how to get out of the area. So I confirmed my directions with him, and there was a lot of pointing around to blocks of houses, shop houses, blue and turquoise buildings, roads, pebbled roads, yet he was still walking with me. I couldn't bring myself to ask why he was still walking with me but it didn't feel wrong or awkward anymore. I was enjoying his company and we were talking a little I think. I can't remember that part of my dream. But I recalled grumbling how it was so hot, I was drenched in my sweat and then we eventually walked on a shadowed area and I thanked God for it.

Our walk finally came to an end when I saw that I recognised the area, and I was trying to figure out how to get home from there. As for him, I still couldn't place a finger on his name, I didn't want to boldly ask either, so I assumed it was Dante? Daniel? It just didn't sound so right. So I kept guessing while he offered to send me home. It turned out, he was walking with me all this while because he parked his car all the way here. What a coincidence right? And the funny part, he also drove a black Kenari, and I instantly missed my own car. I even told him I missed my car when I agreed to have him send me home. But it wasn't the same on the inside of the car. It looked old, and the casings of the car were not black but grey. The seats were the old kinds and the windows were not as clean as my own car. But I wasn't going to complain, he was sending me home.

Then another funny thing happened. When we were in the car, in the comfort of aircond and companionship, the outside world seemed to darken as if it was night. And we were driving through a small road as if we were going deeper into the housing area. But he was cool with everything and the me in my dream seemed cool too. So the dreamer me just watched as the dream unveiled itself. There was a lot of teasing and giggling in the car. He was being very friendly, and when a piece of crumpled paper smacked his front screen, he toyed with the wiper to flick it away. He made it seem too funny and I couldn't help but laugh and automatically smack the side of his thigh. Then the silent sigh came and I was relaxing my head and I could tell he was fidgeting.

Without me visioning it, his left hand came over my right, remembering the warmth of it as he held on to my hand as if it was the most valuable thing to him. I felt my skin jump, my eyes widened but looking ahead still, my heart leaped or rather it fell into my uterus. I was all over the place, as if I was never been held before. As if the touch of him was the thing I desired most. I melted, there I admitted it. I melted!

"When do you think we'll be together?" I heard his soft voice ask, so innocently, so charmingly.

"WHAT?" I looked at him now, so very much surprised and all kinds of memory ran into my head.

My "troubles" that I can't remember but most prominently, I remembered I was going to give him the excuse that I just broke up 6 months ago, and I felt miserable about the idea. I knew my mouth was mumbling a lot of "Oh my God" and I zoned out for a while. Even as he let go of my hand, perhaps knew that I was all over the place with his touch, I could still feel like he was holding on to it like he was holding on to dear life, but ever so gently.

"What?" I asked again softly this time, looking at him and looking away and looking at him again. I couldn't keep my gaze on him for long because I might zone out again.

He didn't say anything just yet, but he motioned to take the novel that was on my lap all this while, I didn't even notice, and he opened a page.

"Point a number in this book, use the number to tell me how long I have to wait before we could be together. I'll wait for you." I could feel his gaze on me. My stomach lurched insanely. It was as if he knew I might not be able to handle a relationship at the moment because I was still broken. He knew but he so desired me, he would wait for me. But he wanted a figure.

"What makes you think I'd ever know when I'll be ready?" I gulped and closed my eyes as he spoke.

"When I was little, I used to be desperate to have a girlfriend."

"Mhhm." beeped my un-nonchalant voice.

"But as I grew older..." his voice faded in my head. I couldn't concentrate, I heard something about God, and girls being thrown his way, but he didn't want them, and I heard my high echoing "Mhhm" after every line.

The longer my eyes remained closed, the further he felt from me. Like I wasn't in the humming Kenari anymore. I could still hear his voice going on and on but I couldn't hear about what, and I was trying so hard to focus on what he was saying. But everything became warm around me, the cold of the aircond was gone and I was beginning to break sweat. I could finally feel the blush from the time he took my hand creep up my face, flooding my entire being.

And as I opened my eyes, I was in bed, with a blanket over my face, and the fan humming the friction of wind above me. I squeezed my eyes shut to go back to dreaming but he was gone! I lay flat on my back and thought hard about this friend of Theresa's. What was his name? It is definitely not Dante!

Then as if a lightbulb lit on my head, I knew who it was - EDMUND. The I freaked out, I DREAMT OF EDMUND?

hjbsfdyavwl,sbf;ahwniurgfbvb;lwha;bdsgbvZ!

I know I probably embarrassed myself by telling this dream on media. If he ever finds out, my God my God, please don't abandon me. HAAHAHAHA. I would just die, either from blushing or from laughing my embarrassment away.

ANYWAYS, Happy Independence Day Malaysia. :)

Start Afresh

My ass is finally back in KL again, oh the hazy air, thick with smoke and warm as the ozone layer thins away. It was a nice flight back here, only the landing was bumpy. I actually had a little leap in my chest, thinking we were gonna crash, or the wing of the plane was gonna jerk off from the pressure of the wind.

But thank God it didn't.

It was hard leaving home, as always, but this time it seemed a little lighter of a burden. Perhaps it's coz, after quite some time, I'm actually leaving as a single woman, who've over ate during her 3 months stay, and I just feel like I have nothing to leave behind.

Leaving my family didn't feel like me leaving them. So they don't count, they'll always be there. ALWAYS. No relationship statuses, no ridiculous "I miss you" although they do miss me. They know to wait.

Anyways, out of topic!

I'm out here again, gonna reach out to a future that has been laid out to me by God. Yeah yeah, memories get it the way at times, but that's what it does - remind people of what used to be.

Like here in a friend's house was where all those heartbreaking tears used to rain over. The room opposite me glares at me in curiosity as to what happened to me and that person that used to speak across the line of my mobile phone. The dolls eyes me in sympathy as I write this blog, it's ridiculous.  I can't blame it, it witnessed the end of my love life.

I'm always on the verge of writing a new song now and then, a new album. Still considering what I should call it. But I don't want to. I just don't feel like singing and composing just yet. It just doesn't feel like my Break has settled.

GAH.

I am going to bury my head in a heap of books. HEAPS of them.

I Was Blind But Now I See

"She did it. She faced her fears and she asked him once again about his feelings. And her hunch in the very beginning was right; he did have someone else in mind. Oh how she grieved about the lie.

But he seemed trully sorry.

What is she to believe anymore? Everything used to feel so right and so wonderful, and now it's an abandoned wrecked ship. She needs to not sink away, but be found."

I didn't choose to love you, I just fell into it. You let go, I hung on, and now you're an inspiration:

BREAK 2013

"I counted all those days we spent;

The times we kissed, we fought and laughed,

Phone calls in the middle of the night.

You and I both agreed;

That 'We're friends but we're also, more than friends'.

Confusion in your heart,

Caused hurting in mine,

Don't leave me I begged you,

Baby I'm still waiting,

Your voice I wanna hear,

Your kiss I wanna taste,

You'r touch I wanna feel,

Baby don't go,

Please, come back..." - Resistance

"My momma told me once before, that I should be strong;

That I should endure, all life's possibilities.

We're all different, God's creation.

We should appreciate no matter how wicked they may be.

What doesn't kill me will only keep me stronger." - Stronger

"Reflect on all we had now,

Rethink on all the times we had;

All your smiles, our laughs, the fights we had,

Pain and jealousy clouding us.

Remember what you said?

You're always gonna be there for me;

But where was you, when I needed you most,

All lies, all the lies, I can't think, I can't do this anymore.

Rumour has it, you're lying to me, hiding from me.

I'm almost giving up, I just wanna know the truth.

Reveal to me, reveal to me baby." - Reveal To Me

"Stay, don't go, will you belong with me?

Till death do us part?

Momma was right, I should have only given half of my love away.

Thought he was the one, but I was blinded by my feelings for him.

For him, I was wrong, I felt like I was lied to.

For me, we were forever, but now we're spiralling down the drain.

For us, we might stay, we might just end, or maybe we could still be bestfriends?" - Stay, Don't Go

"When you smile at me baby,

I would melt, despite those colourful braces.

I remembered when I finally had you for myself;

I couldn't let go, no I wouldn't let go.

We lasted so long people thought we were ancient,

Until I lost you.

You let go of me,

And all I want now is to start all over.

Baby start all over again.

Definitely." - Start All Over

"However the distance between us is eating me up,

I tend to cry myself to sleep,

After every little fights,

That made me realise how much I really miss you,

Oh baby I need you." - I Need You

"About everything; all over again and again and again,

About you; who never even called or bothered to ask about me,

About me and my life and our broken future,

Wondering if I'd ever meet someone like you again,

Or better; get back with you again,

Coz it's still butterflies when the eyes sees you." - Butterflies

"The place we first met;

I'll be sitting there waiting, if you would come.

On the bench like a stone I'll dream for you and no one else.

Repeating our memories, that's what I'm gonna do.

Oh, like a madman, I'll wait for you.

For sure." - For Sure

"I will wait for you,

For when the right time comes,

I'll be next to you." - I Will Wait For You

"Run! Don't come back to me.

Leave me alone in my solitary moment.

I feel like I don't know you at all, as if those memories we had were pigments of lies.

I don't know what is real, I don't know who to trust anymore.

I thought we had a shot at working out.

But now I don't know if you were my lover,

Or maybe you were just a mere stranger." - A Mere Stranger

"Oh, what happened to the love we once had it's all gone now?

Cry, cry you a river that's all I've been doing without you.

I put on a mask for the world.

I know I am thankful for all our memories.

But why does it have to hurt when I think of my last memory with you?" - My Last Memory With You

"I'll let go of all the pain in my heart.

Nothing can be undone, but people can forgive.

I'm not alone, I'm never alone;

For the Lord will never forsake me.

I may miss you but it's time I let go,

If you miss me, I could only pray you'd come back.

But above it all, I'm done with our break.

I'm leaving it all to God." - Break

Well, that's it - dedicated to you Mr. Capital D for Douche. I was blind but now I see.

The truth you've told me.

I still love you, but I love you enough to let you go to her. Just treat her right.

Not in a Sibling-Friend-Zoned way. That's a terrible ouch in my part just so you know.

Thank you for everything, and no thank you as well.

"I love you, but I don't like you anymore." - One Day by David Nicholls

him / Him

So it's been a long time, almost a year now, since I was last on this page.

Crazy year. More to come I guess, I mean, my last post said 2012 was dramatic, 2013 gets better. Sarcasm noted.

Let's see, what's happened this year:
1. Break that led to a Break-Up (Still haven't recovered really)
2. Finals (which I'm going insane thinking about, I'm praying I make it through)
3. Home (is not as pleasing as it seems as I'm in the same town as him)

So far, those are the major ones.

It all started in February, dates unnecessary to be written, not that i'll forget. It's engraved in my brain. God, I sound depressed. Anyways, we fought, he and I, over a petty matter which led to him saying "I think we both need a break". I was gobsmacked by this. I really did not expect it as it was not as if we were fighting because I caught him downing another girl. Dios mios, nothing like that, it was just a small argument and I got shot in the heart with the word "Break". That's like my theme this year. Bloody "Break".

I don't know. Eventually we talked, and I couldn't put my finger on whether it was because of distance or because he meant it when he said he didn't love me anymore. It still breaks my heart when I remind myself that he said that. I can't seem to believe it at all. After all we've been through together, it's impossible for me to accept.

We were counting days for me to come home. For him to be in my arms again. I dare say it took me almost 5 months afterwards to blog about it at all as it hurts remembering stuff. Along the way of recovery perhaps I learned that I may never get him back again, and maybe I should just be thankful for all the memories and little dirty secrets. Sigh.

In the beginning it was really tough, trying to forget and forgive and let go. I don't know why I needed to forgive, I was mad I guess, and jealous at the same time. Hell, why wouldn't I be mad, just a month of break up, some girl asked ME of HIS number, what logic is that? Which ex-girlfriend wouldn't be mad.

Urgh, ex-girlfriend. I hate calling myself that. Not his ex at least. BLEH.

The only good thing that came out of all of this incredulous break up is that I became more musically involved. I started writing songs, named the damn album Break, as it was a dedication to him. Haha. It's funny really, most times I'd wonder how he'd react to it. I'm thinking along the lines of "What a damn Taylor Swift". :P Just saying, not that I'm mocking Taylor Swift. She can be a good singer/songwriter. ;)

Anyways, I'm currently completing the album on my own, and perhaps get my band to do a recording with me soon. Fingers crossed. Otherwise, it'll never get published and those songs are merely self entertainment. Hehe.

Writing songs helped me recover from the break up, honest, it was like magic! But it only last for so long. When my head starts to wander away in the past again, I'll weep like a baby who hasn't been fed its milk. It's mind-boggling! He'll be the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. Crazy times.

However, now it's rather controllable. The only time I become really emotional is when somebody asks about him and I'd have to explain the Goddamned situation over and over. And it gets me thinking about him. Or it could be times where I'd see his photo, or I'd see his name on the side of my Facebook page, or his name would be on the first row whenever I had to tag someone into a picture, it stresses me out!

Part of me still wants him back, part of me is unsure and everyone seems to be telling me to move on and go find myself a man. "You need a man!" says a 'man' to me. Haha. I'm gonna be cheesy and say, he was my man. He may not buy me flowers or chocolates or gifts, but he sings to me, writes to me, talks to me, go crazy with me, makes me smile like a helpless girl, be my girlfriend when in need and he makes me happy everyday. I live everyday, encouraged to do my best so I'd come home as an accomplished woman into his embrace. Isn't that enough? He may look like a little boy beside me, making me look like a cougar, but looks are just looks after all. Should I really care?

Sigh.

I don't know. I won't dwell about that. I prayed and asked God about him, whether he'd ever come back to me, if not, will he still come back as my bestfriend at least? I really miss him - his laugh, his crazy thoughts, his mischief, his cooking! his company, most of all.

And there was a passage that replied to that question of mine, which I can't decide if it was talking about him, or Him:

2 CORINTHIANS
"...it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him. I wrote to you as I did to test you and see if you would fully comply with my instructions. When you forgive this man, I forgive him, too." 2:7-10

I read this last week, and I can't put a finger on it. After reading this last week, I was so very tempted to call him up, or text him rather, just to talk. But I was battling with myself. I don't know if he'd be free, or most importantly, comfortable! I was conflicted. :( Comes with time I guess, maybe soon I'll do it. Just maybe.

He promised me when we broke up, that when I am finally home, he'd tell me how he sincerely feels. We'd basically go out, have a drink and talk, I guess. At least that was the idea to me. But it never happened. I've been home for 2 months now, and nothing. I saw him, a few times, but that's about it. He tapped my arm just to say hi, that's an effort, but that about it. He leaves me hanging when we're chatting, like I saw a ray of hope for us, "It was good to see you again though" kind of hope, BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT. Nothing more.

It's frustrating. But I learned that I just gotta leave nature to work on its own. The more I meddle, the more "That's About It"s I'm gonna get. It makes me wanna pull my head off!

I just pray that he'd come along soon, even if it's just to talk, and nothing works out. I'm leaving soon, and maybe not ever wanting to come back home anymore because I feel unpurposeful here now. I know, ridiculous me, I have my family, my friends, but it doesn't appeal to me anymore. I feel like everything is pushing me away and I'm pushing everything away. I used to want to come home, because I have him to jump to besides family, but now it's just...nothing. I'm being very unreasonable, yes I am. I'm letting one guy destroy me.

I'll be fine.

Promise. I just want to find myself now. I felt like I lost half of me. Now I gotta find it. It was dumped somewhere in this world.

Oh poo hoo dramatic me. Such a desperate loser. *shakes head*

I guess that's it, my once upon a time.

Sorry for the sappiness. Happiness on the next post perhaps.

Toodles.