The Dream-like Flutter

I woke up this morning with the high sound of "Mhmm" from myself. And my eyes fluttered open, realising it was all a dream, and it felt unbelievably too real, and awkward and I did find myself wondering if he had the same dream.

I was supposedly troubled, in my dream. I'm not sure if I was pregnant, or was it just a normal teen trouble, or was it family pressure, I can't remember much of this detail, but I was troubled enough to walk myself to church. And it wasn't the usual church I'd go to. I've never even seen this church, it was in the deep area of BDC? Stutong? Oh I don't know, I wouldn't know as I've never really went to any church in that area. But my dream said otherwise.

I was walking on pebbles, then up a few stairs, into the beautifully lit church. There was a warm feeling inside, and a couple of elderly people sitting here and there. I walked in, attempting to silent my phone as it beeped, indicating a message, and everyone turned to glare. I walked with my head down, successful in shutting my beeping phone and took a seat a few rows in the front. I noticed loud chattering on the row next to mine, I think they were Korean members, but it was none of my concern at that time. I was troubled.

I knelt down on the kneeling panel provided, clasped my hands together and prayed. I can't remember what I asked for, but I remembered my eyes were open, staring up at the crucifix, and I remembered the commentator announcing morning service for Merdeka for the following morning. The congregations' mumbles became louder, especially the Korean members, they were going on and on about how tomorrow's service would be too early if I wasn't mistaken. I tried my best to focus on my prayer, I promise, I was trying, but they were too loud, that I couldn't hear myself think at all, my eyes started wandering around the altar that was before me. It was when the doors behind the altar - the big doors where usually the altar boys and priests would walk through to get changed, where all the hymn music sheets are kept in an old cabinet, where the church helpers would do about their business, where the control of the power switch of the whole church is located - opened, that I noticed him. I knew who he was, dressed in dark but prominent blue, or was it indigo? That's beside the point, I saw that he was helping around, he had a nice hair cut and I realised I was staring when he looked my way and stared back.

With this, my eyes quickly shut and I concluded my intended prayer, made my sign of the cross and got up from my knees to leave. My pale legs in my black flats and black dress seemed to tremble as it walked out. As I turned away from this guy who was walking towards me, I heard him say something. I can't remember what it was, it frustrates me that I can't remember my dream! But it was perhaps along the lines of "Hey, it's you". PERHAPS. I'm unsure. But anyways, I ignored him and pretended I didn't hear him and just continued to walk along the aisle of the church to the exit. I don't know why I did that. I guess I was nervous? Because I thought he was cute? Oh I don't know. It was too weird, maybe I didn't want myself to feel like I like this guy because I was still not over my previous relationship. Despite the fact that it's been what, 6 months since the breakup? Oh I don't know how this even relates!

But I walked away, and when I felt like he wasn't following me, I stopped at the exit to check my phone for the time. And I looked up at the gate to figure out how I was going to get out of the area. I was walking after all, and I don't intend to get lost in a maze as it was a really hot day. Too hot for a pale child in all black. Then I saw his smiling face on the corner of my eyes, he walked past me and waved to ensure I notice him this time.

"You didn't hear me?" he asked, with this innocent voice, really sure he relayed what he said earlier.

"Hey! It's you!" I pointed at him, faking glee. "Hear what?" my eyes were acting in confusion. I was a terrific actor alright.

"I saw you inside, and I greeted you but you didn't turn. So I'm guessing you didn't hear me." He said, motioning me to walk with him out to the main gate. So I did.

"Yeah, I guess I was thinking a lot." I stopped at that, it was a half lie and half truth. I was thinking of all my problems, but it wasn't to the extent that I didn't hear him or rather see him. I was just nervous. I only met him once and that was weeks ago at a gig that Theresa set me up for. He was talking to me as if we've been friends since forever.

He asked where I was going and I grimaced at the thought. Told him that I was walking back home but I didn't really know how to get out of the area. So I confirmed my directions with him, and there was a lot of pointing around to blocks of houses, shop houses, blue and turquoise buildings, roads, pebbled roads, yet he was still walking with me. I couldn't bring myself to ask why he was still walking with me but it didn't feel wrong or awkward anymore. I was enjoying his company and we were talking a little I think. I can't remember that part of my dream. But I recalled grumbling how it was so hot, I was drenched in my sweat and then we eventually walked on a shadowed area and I thanked God for it.

Our walk finally came to an end when I saw that I recognised the area, and I was trying to figure out how to get home from there. As for him, I still couldn't place a finger on his name, I didn't want to boldly ask either, so I assumed it was Dante? Daniel? It just didn't sound so right. So I kept guessing while he offered to send me home. It turned out, he was walking with me all this while because he parked his car all the way here. What a coincidence right? And the funny part, he also drove a black Kenari, and I instantly missed my own car. I even told him I missed my car when I agreed to have him send me home. But it wasn't the same on the inside of the car. It looked old, and the casings of the car were not black but grey. The seats were the old kinds and the windows were not as clean as my own car. But I wasn't going to complain, he was sending me home.

Then another funny thing happened. When we were in the car, in the comfort of aircond and companionship, the outside world seemed to darken as if it was night. And we were driving through a small road as if we were going deeper into the housing area. But he was cool with everything and the me in my dream seemed cool too. So the dreamer me just watched as the dream unveiled itself. There was a lot of teasing and giggling in the car. He was being very friendly, and when a piece of crumpled paper smacked his front screen, he toyed with the wiper to flick it away. He made it seem too funny and I couldn't help but laugh and automatically smack the side of his thigh. Then the silent sigh came and I was relaxing my head and I could tell he was fidgeting.

Without me visioning it, his left hand came over my right, remembering the warmth of it as he held on to my hand as if it was the most valuable thing to him. I felt my skin jump, my eyes widened but looking ahead still, my heart leaped or rather it fell into my uterus. I was all over the place, as if I was never been held before. As if the touch of him was the thing I desired most. I melted, there I admitted it. I melted!

"When do you think we'll be together?" I heard his soft voice ask, so innocently, so charmingly.

"WHAT?" I looked at him now, so very much surprised and all kinds of memory ran into my head.

My "troubles" that I can't remember but most prominently, I remembered I was going to give him the excuse that I just broke up 6 months ago, and I felt miserable about the idea. I knew my mouth was mumbling a lot of "Oh my God" and I zoned out for a while. Even as he let go of my hand, perhaps knew that I was all over the place with his touch, I could still feel like he was holding on to it like he was holding on to dear life, but ever so gently.

"What?" I asked again softly this time, looking at him and looking away and looking at him again. I couldn't keep my gaze on him for long because I might zone out again.

He didn't say anything just yet, but he motioned to take the novel that was on my lap all this while, I didn't even notice, and he opened a page.

"Point a number in this book, use the number to tell me how long I have to wait before we could be together. I'll wait for you." I could feel his gaze on me. My stomach lurched insanely. It was as if he knew I might not be able to handle a relationship at the moment because I was still broken. He knew but he so desired me, he would wait for me. But he wanted a figure.

"What makes you think I'd ever know when I'll be ready?" I gulped and closed my eyes as he spoke.

"When I was little, I used to be desperate to have a girlfriend."

"Mhhm." beeped my un-nonchalant voice.

"But as I grew older..." his voice faded in my head. I couldn't concentrate, I heard something about God, and girls being thrown his way, but he didn't want them, and I heard my high echoing "Mhhm" after every line.

The longer my eyes remained closed, the further he felt from me. Like I wasn't in the humming Kenari anymore. I could still hear his voice going on and on but I couldn't hear about what, and I was trying so hard to focus on what he was saying. But everything became warm around me, the cold of the aircond was gone and I was beginning to break sweat. I could finally feel the blush from the time he took my hand creep up my face, flooding my entire being.

And as I opened my eyes, I was in bed, with a blanket over my face, and the fan humming the friction of wind above me. I squeezed my eyes shut to go back to dreaming but he was gone! I lay flat on my back and thought hard about this friend of Theresa's. What was his name? It is definitely not Dante!

Then as if a lightbulb lit on my head, I knew who it was - EDMUND. The I freaked out, I DREAMT OF EDMUND?

hjbsfdyavwl,sbf;ahwniurgfbvb;lwha;bdsgbvZ!

I know I probably embarrassed myself by telling this dream on media. If he ever finds out, my God my God, please don't abandon me. HAAHAHAHA. I would just die, either from blushing or from laughing my embarrassment away.

ANYWAYS, Happy Independence Day Malaysia. :)