Post-Teenager-ism?

Every second, hour, day; I'm merely getting older. But it seems like I'm slowly coming back to becoming the child I used to be. Selfish, annoying, careless, rude, mean, BOY-CRAZY. Dear God.

I don't know. I guess I'm just down that I hurt a friend's feelings? That's really new to me though. I've never exactly felt down. I was usually eager to say sorry. But after being set aside and criticized that my apologies should only be said when I mean it, I felt so stupid.

Ultimately because, I DO mean it when I say it. Sigh.

And it's all so child-like because no one is admitting to any fault. One would accuse the other of being angry when they're not. I'm not angry man, I'm only sad. Sad that at this point of my life, I can't get anything straight! It's like I'm always throwing myself out there, but I never seem to be appreciated. Oh damn that whole "don't expect anything in return" bullshit. Sometimes, it's just NICE to be appreciated okay. NICE.

Anyone who disagree, do give me a piece of your mind and perhaps I could meddle about it.

Look at me, I make myself sound like I turned 50 or something. Good God, I'm only 20, this is nowhere near the end. It's the beginning Jay! Urgh, life.

Then when I think I'm okay, I could be happy again, I've got friends who care, I'm over the past, maybe I could go fishing, even if it only means fishing with no bait - no hope in getting any fish; BAM, something in the past would float across my face and tell me that I haven't unlocked the final door to freedom. -.-

It's frustrating!

Like today, I was on the way to college. I was cool, I was swaying to the music, walking without a care about the world when a stranger doing his job stopped me to hand me a yellow rose. I was baffled. Not because he was a stranger on a job giving out free flowers, but because I've never gotten a flower from anyone really. Yeah sure, I wasn't a girly girl who expects gifts and shit, but the feeling it gives. It got me wondering why I never gotten anything like that, I've dated 2 guys so far, yeah sad sob story, but the point is, I've never even gotten flowers from them. NOT EVEN THEM. And I wondered, did they ever really cared for me the way I cared?

So...the whole world swirled into the black-hole that was waiting behind me all along.

And then another incident came alone. An eye-candy. Oh damn that hot stuff in class that I don't have the balls to talk to. Tall, nice-figured, handsome, a little TOO HANDSOME for my league, speaks really good English and that sure as hell turns me on, and dear God, what am I doing describing him here?! =.=

ANYWAYS, he was in my class today. And from a downer day, I was happy again. All happy and swoony UNTIL, I realised I forgot my pencil case, and I have no stationary at all for class. *curses* All I had to do was ask that hot stuff to lend me a pen, all I had to do was that, but the past came crashing back, blocking my way. It was yelling at me how I was a stupid girl, I was making myself look like an idiot, it would never work out, ever! All my friendship/relationship with anyone will be destroyed.

Oh man, I panicked, I was depressed again, so I walked out to find a pen elsewhere.

And the whole day was just me staring at the back of that guy's head in class while the lecturer was going on and on about the lesson. Hrmm. All I had to do was ask, or say hello, but I freaked.

Screw post-teenager-ism! If it is at all the fault of that! I want to be normal again damnit!

I need to grow up. Though I must insist that he'd really good-looking, he's a distraction!

Toodles.

The Dream-like Flutter

I woke up this morning with the high sound of "Mhmm" from myself. And my eyes fluttered open, realising it was all a dream, and it felt unbelievably too real, and awkward and I did find myself wondering if he had the same dream.

I was supposedly troubled, in my dream. I'm not sure if I was pregnant, or was it just a normal teen trouble, or was it family pressure, I can't remember much of this detail, but I was troubled enough to walk myself to church. And it wasn't the usual church I'd go to. I've never even seen this church, it was in the deep area of BDC? Stutong? Oh I don't know, I wouldn't know as I've never really went to any church in that area. But my dream said otherwise.

I was walking on pebbles, then up a few stairs, into the beautifully lit church. There was a warm feeling inside, and a couple of elderly people sitting here and there. I walked in, attempting to silent my phone as it beeped, indicating a message, and everyone turned to glare. I walked with my head down, successful in shutting my beeping phone and took a seat a few rows in the front. I noticed loud chattering on the row next to mine, I think they were Korean members, but it was none of my concern at that time. I was troubled.

I knelt down on the kneeling panel provided, clasped my hands together and prayed. I can't remember what I asked for, but I remembered my eyes were open, staring up at the crucifix, and I remembered the commentator announcing morning service for Merdeka for the following morning. The congregations' mumbles became louder, especially the Korean members, they were going on and on about how tomorrow's service would be too early if I wasn't mistaken. I tried my best to focus on my prayer, I promise, I was trying, but they were too loud, that I couldn't hear myself think at all, my eyes started wandering around the altar that was before me. It was when the doors behind the altar - the big doors where usually the altar boys and priests would walk through to get changed, where all the hymn music sheets are kept in an old cabinet, where the church helpers would do about their business, where the control of the power switch of the whole church is located - opened, that I noticed him. I knew who he was, dressed in dark but prominent blue, or was it indigo? That's beside the point, I saw that he was helping around, he had a nice hair cut and I realised I was staring when he looked my way and stared back.

With this, my eyes quickly shut and I concluded my intended prayer, made my sign of the cross and got up from my knees to leave. My pale legs in my black flats and black dress seemed to tremble as it walked out. As I turned away from this guy who was walking towards me, I heard him say something. I can't remember what it was, it frustrates me that I can't remember my dream! But it was perhaps along the lines of "Hey, it's you". PERHAPS. I'm unsure. But anyways, I ignored him and pretended I didn't hear him and just continued to walk along the aisle of the church to the exit. I don't know why I did that. I guess I was nervous? Because I thought he was cute? Oh I don't know. It was too weird, maybe I didn't want myself to feel like I like this guy because I was still not over my previous relationship. Despite the fact that it's been what, 6 months since the breakup? Oh I don't know how this even relates!

But I walked away, and when I felt like he wasn't following me, I stopped at the exit to check my phone for the time. And I looked up at the gate to figure out how I was going to get out of the area. I was walking after all, and I don't intend to get lost in a maze as it was a really hot day. Too hot for a pale child in all black. Then I saw his smiling face on the corner of my eyes, he walked past me and waved to ensure I notice him this time.

"You didn't hear me?" he asked, with this innocent voice, really sure he relayed what he said earlier.

"Hey! It's you!" I pointed at him, faking glee. "Hear what?" my eyes were acting in confusion. I was a terrific actor alright.

"I saw you inside, and I greeted you but you didn't turn. So I'm guessing you didn't hear me." He said, motioning me to walk with him out to the main gate. So I did.

"Yeah, I guess I was thinking a lot." I stopped at that, it was a half lie and half truth. I was thinking of all my problems, but it wasn't to the extent that I didn't hear him or rather see him. I was just nervous. I only met him once and that was weeks ago at a gig that Theresa set me up for. He was talking to me as if we've been friends since forever.

He asked where I was going and I grimaced at the thought. Told him that I was walking back home but I didn't really know how to get out of the area. So I confirmed my directions with him, and there was a lot of pointing around to blocks of houses, shop houses, blue and turquoise buildings, roads, pebbled roads, yet he was still walking with me. I couldn't bring myself to ask why he was still walking with me but it didn't feel wrong or awkward anymore. I was enjoying his company and we were talking a little I think. I can't remember that part of my dream. But I recalled grumbling how it was so hot, I was drenched in my sweat and then we eventually walked on a shadowed area and I thanked God for it.

Our walk finally came to an end when I saw that I recognised the area, and I was trying to figure out how to get home from there. As for him, I still couldn't place a finger on his name, I didn't want to boldly ask either, so I assumed it was Dante? Daniel? It just didn't sound so right. So I kept guessing while he offered to send me home. It turned out, he was walking with me all this while because he parked his car all the way here. What a coincidence right? And the funny part, he also drove a black Kenari, and I instantly missed my own car. I even told him I missed my car when I agreed to have him send me home. But it wasn't the same on the inside of the car. It looked old, and the casings of the car were not black but grey. The seats were the old kinds and the windows were not as clean as my own car. But I wasn't going to complain, he was sending me home.

Then another funny thing happened. When we were in the car, in the comfort of aircond and companionship, the outside world seemed to darken as if it was night. And we were driving through a small road as if we were going deeper into the housing area. But he was cool with everything and the me in my dream seemed cool too. So the dreamer me just watched as the dream unveiled itself. There was a lot of teasing and giggling in the car. He was being very friendly, and when a piece of crumpled paper smacked his front screen, he toyed with the wiper to flick it away. He made it seem too funny and I couldn't help but laugh and automatically smack the side of his thigh. Then the silent sigh came and I was relaxing my head and I could tell he was fidgeting.

Without me visioning it, his left hand came over my right, remembering the warmth of it as he held on to my hand as if it was the most valuable thing to him. I felt my skin jump, my eyes widened but looking ahead still, my heart leaped or rather it fell into my uterus. I was all over the place, as if I was never been held before. As if the touch of him was the thing I desired most. I melted, there I admitted it. I melted!

"When do you think we'll be together?" I heard his soft voice ask, so innocently, so charmingly.

"WHAT?" I looked at him now, so very much surprised and all kinds of memory ran into my head.

My "troubles" that I can't remember but most prominently, I remembered I was going to give him the excuse that I just broke up 6 months ago, and I felt miserable about the idea. I knew my mouth was mumbling a lot of "Oh my God" and I zoned out for a while. Even as he let go of my hand, perhaps knew that I was all over the place with his touch, I could still feel like he was holding on to it like he was holding on to dear life, but ever so gently.

"What?" I asked again softly this time, looking at him and looking away and looking at him again. I couldn't keep my gaze on him for long because I might zone out again.

He didn't say anything just yet, but he motioned to take the novel that was on my lap all this while, I didn't even notice, and he opened a page.

"Point a number in this book, use the number to tell me how long I have to wait before we could be together. I'll wait for you." I could feel his gaze on me. My stomach lurched insanely. It was as if he knew I might not be able to handle a relationship at the moment because I was still broken. He knew but he so desired me, he would wait for me. But he wanted a figure.

"What makes you think I'd ever know when I'll be ready?" I gulped and closed my eyes as he spoke.

"When I was little, I used to be desperate to have a girlfriend."

"Mhhm." beeped my un-nonchalant voice.

"But as I grew older..." his voice faded in my head. I couldn't concentrate, I heard something about God, and girls being thrown his way, but he didn't want them, and I heard my high echoing "Mhhm" after every line.

The longer my eyes remained closed, the further he felt from me. Like I wasn't in the humming Kenari anymore. I could still hear his voice going on and on but I couldn't hear about what, and I was trying so hard to focus on what he was saying. But everything became warm around me, the cold of the aircond was gone and I was beginning to break sweat. I could finally feel the blush from the time he took my hand creep up my face, flooding my entire being.

And as I opened my eyes, I was in bed, with a blanket over my face, and the fan humming the friction of wind above me. I squeezed my eyes shut to go back to dreaming but he was gone! I lay flat on my back and thought hard about this friend of Theresa's. What was his name? It is definitely not Dante!

Then as if a lightbulb lit on my head, I knew who it was - EDMUND. The I freaked out, I DREAMT OF EDMUND?

hjbsfdyavwl,sbf;ahwniurgfbvb;lwha;bdsgbvZ!

I know I probably embarrassed myself by telling this dream on media. If he ever finds out, my God my God, please don't abandon me. HAAHAHAHA. I would just die, either from blushing or from laughing my embarrassment away.

ANYWAYS, Happy Independence Day Malaysia. :)

Start Afresh

My ass is finally back in KL again, oh the hazy air, thick with smoke and warm as the ozone layer thins away. It was a nice flight back here, only the landing was bumpy. I actually had a little leap in my chest, thinking we were gonna crash, or the wing of the plane was gonna jerk off from the pressure of the wind.

But thank God it didn't.

It was hard leaving home, as always, but this time it seemed a little lighter of a burden. Perhaps it's coz, after quite some time, I'm actually leaving as a single woman, who've over ate during her 3 months stay, and I just feel like I have nothing to leave behind.

Leaving my family didn't feel like me leaving them. So they don't count, they'll always be there. ALWAYS. No relationship statuses, no ridiculous "I miss you" although they do miss me. They know to wait.

Anyways, out of topic!

I'm out here again, gonna reach out to a future that has been laid out to me by God. Yeah yeah, memories get it the way at times, but that's what it does - remind people of what used to be.

Like here in a friend's house was where all those heartbreaking tears used to rain over. The room opposite me glares at me in curiosity as to what happened to me and that person that used to speak across the line of my mobile phone. The dolls eyes me in sympathy as I write this blog, it's ridiculous.  I can't blame it, it witnessed the end of my love life.

I'm always on the verge of writing a new song now and then, a new album. Still considering what I should call it. But I don't want to. I just don't feel like singing and composing just yet. It just doesn't feel like my Break has settled.

GAH.

I am going to bury my head in a heap of books. HEAPS of them.

I Was Blind But Now I See

"She did it. She faced her fears and she asked him once again about his feelings. And her hunch in the very beginning was right; he did have someone else in mind. Oh how she grieved about the lie.

But he seemed trully sorry.

What is she to believe anymore? Everything used to feel so right and so wonderful, and now it's an abandoned wrecked ship. She needs to not sink away, but be found."

I didn't choose to love you, I just fell into it. You let go, I hung on, and now you're an inspiration:

BREAK 2013

"I counted all those days we spent;

The times we kissed, we fought and laughed,

Phone calls in the middle of the night.

You and I both agreed;

That 'We're friends but we're also, more than friends'.

Confusion in your heart,

Caused hurting in mine,

Don't leave me I begged you,

Baby I'm still waiting,

Your voice I wanna hear,

Your kiss I wanna taste,

You'r touch I wanna feel,

Baby don't go,

Please, come back..." - Resistance

"My momma told me once before, that I should be strong;

That I should endure, all life's possibilities.

We're all different, God's creation.

We should appreciate no matter how wicked they may be.

What doesn't kill me will only keep me stronger." - Stronger

"Reflect on all we had now,

Rethink on all the times we had;

All your smiles, our laughs, the fights we had,

Pain and jealousy clouding us.

Remember what you said?

You're always gonna be there for me;

But where was you, when I needed you most,

All lies, all the lies, I can't think, I can't do this anymore.

Rumour has it, you're lying to me, hiding from me.

I'm almost giving up, I just wanna know the truth.

Reveal to me, reveal to me baby." - Reveal To Me

"Stay, don't go, will you belong with me?

Till death do us part?

Momma was right, I should have only given half of my love away.

Thought he was the one, but I was blinded by my feelings for him.

For him, I was wrong, I felt like I was lied to.

For me, we were forever, but now we're spiralling down the drain.

For us, we might stay, we might just end, or maybe we could still be bestfriends?" - Stay, Don't Go

"When you smile at me baby,

I would melt, despite those colourful braces.

I remembered when I finally had you for myself;

I couldn't let go, no I wouldn't let go.

We lasted so long people thought we were ancient,

Until I lost you.

You let go of me,

And all I want now is to start all over.

Baby start all over again.

Definitely." - Start All Over

"However the distance between us is eating me up,

I tend to cry myself to sleep,

After every little fights,

That made me realise how much I really miss you,

Oh baby I need you." - I Need You

"About everything; all over again and again and again,

About you; who never even called or bothered to ask about me,

About me and my life and our broken future,

Wondering if I'd ever meet someone like you again,

Or better; get back with you again,

Coz it's still butterflies when the eyes sees you." - Butterflies

"The place we first met;

I'll be sitting there waiting, if you would come.

On the bench like a stone I'll dream for you and no one else.

Repeating our memories, that's what I'm gonna do.

Oh, like a madman, I'll wait for you.

For sure." - For Sure

"I will wait for you,

For when the right time comes,

I'll be next to you." - I Will Wait For You

"Run! Don't come back to me.

Leave me alone in my solitary moment.

I feel like I don't know you at all, as if those memories we had were pigments of lies.

I don't know what is real, I don't know who to trust anymore.

I thought we had a shot at working out.

But now I don't know if you were my lover,

Or maybe you were just a mere stranger." - A Mere Stranger

"Oh, what happened to the love we once had it's all gone now?

Cry, cry you a river that's all I've been doing without you.

I put on a mask for the world.

I know I am thankful for all our memories.

But why does it have to hurt when I think of my last memory with you?" - My Last Memory With You

"I'll let go of all the pain in my heart.

Nothing can be undone, but people can forgive.

I'm not alone, I'm never alone;

For the Lord will never forsake me.

I may miss you but it's time I let go,

If you miss me, I could only pray you'd come back.

But above it all, I'm done with our break.

I'm leaving it all to God." - Break

Well, that's it - dedicated to you Mr. Capital D for Douche. I was blind but now I see.

The truth you've told me.

I still love you, but I love you enough to let you go to her. Just treat her right.

Not in a Sibling-Friend-Zoned way. That's a terrible ouch in my part just so you know.

Thank you for everything, and no thank you as well.

"I love you, but I don't like you anymore." - One Day by David Nicholls

him / Him

So it's been a long time, almost a year now, since I was last on this page.

Crazy year. More to come I guess, I mean, my last post said 2012 was dramatic, 2013 gets better. Sarcasm noted.

Let's see, what's happened this year:
1. Break that led to a Break-Up (Still haven't recovered really)
2. Finals (which I'm going insane thinking about, I'm praying I make it through)
3. Home (is not as pleasing as it seems as I'm in the same town as him)

So far, those are the major ones.

It all started in February, dates unnecessary to be written, not that i'll forget. It's engraved in my brain. God, I sound depressed. Anyways, we fought, he and I, over a petty matter which led to him saying "I think we both need a break". I was gobsmacked by this. I really did not expect it as it was not as if we were fighting because I caught him downing another girl. Dios mios, nothing like that, it was just a small argument and I got shot in the heart with the word "Break". That's like my theme this year. Bloody "Break".

I don't know. Eventually we talked, and I couldn't put my finger on whether it was because of distance or because he meant it when he said he didn't love me anymore. It still breaks my heart when I remind myself that he said that. I can't seem to believe it at all. After all we've been through together, it's impossible for me to accept.

We were counting days for me to come home. For him to be in my arms again. I dare say it took me almost 5 months afterwards to blog about it at all as it hurts remembering stuff. Along the way of recovery perhaps I learned that I may never get him back again, and maybe I should just be thankful for all the memories and little dirty secrets. Sigh.

In the beginning it was really tough, trying to forget and forgive and let go. I don't know why I needed to forgive, I was mad I guess, and jealous at the same time. Hell, why wouldn't I be mad, just a month of break up, some girl asked ME of HIS number, what logic is that? Which ex-girlfriend wouldn't be mad.

Urgh, ex-girlfriend. I hate calling myself that. Not his ex at least. BLEH.

The only good thing that came out of all of this incredulous break up is that I became more musically involved. I started writing songs, named the damn album Break, as it was a dedication to him. Haha. It's funny really, most times I'd wonder how he'd react to it. I'm thinking along the lines of "What a damn Taylor Swift". :P Just saying, not that I'm mocking Taylor Swift. She can be a good singer/songwriter. ;)

Anyways, I'm currently completing the album on my own, and perhaps get my band to do a recording with me soon. Fingers crossed. Otherwise, it'll never get published and those songs are merely self entertainment. Hehe.

Writing songs helped me recover from the break up, honest, it was like magic! But it only last for so long. When my head starts to wander away in the past again, I'll weep like a baby who hasn't been fed its milk. It's mind-boggling! He'll be the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. Crazy times.

However, now it's rather controllable. The only time I become really emotional is when somebody asks about him and I'd have to explain the Goddamned situation over and over. And it gets me thinking about him. Or it could be times where I'd see his photo, or I'd see his name on the side of my Facebook page, or his name would be on the first row whenever I had to tag someone into a picture, it stresses me out!

Part of me still wants him back, part of me is unsure and everyone seems to be telling me to move on and go find myself a man. "You need a man!" says a 'man' to me. Haha. I'm gonna be cheesy and say, he was my man. He may not buy me flowers or chocolates or gifts, but he sings to me, writes to me, talks to me, go crazy with me, makes me smile like a helpless girl, be my girlfriend when in need and he makes me happy everyday. I live everyday, encouraged to do my best so I'd come home as an accomplished woman into his embrace. Isn't that enough? He may look like a little boy beside me, making me look like a cougar, but looks are just looks after all. Should I really care?

Sigh.

I don't know. I won't dwell about that. I prayed and asked God about him, whether he'd ever come back to me, if not, will he still come back as my bestfriend at least? I really miss him - his laugh, his crazy thoughts, his mischief, his cooking! his company, most of all.

And there was a passage that replied to that question of mine, which I can't decide if it was talking about him, or Him:

2 CORINTHIANS
"...it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him. I wrote to you as I did to test you and see if you would fully comply with my instructions. When you forgive this man, I forgive him, too." 2:7-10

I read this last week, and I can't put a finger on it. After reading this last week, I was so very tempted to call him up, or text him rather, just to talk. But I was battling with myself. I don't know if he'd be free, or most importantly, comfortable! I was conflicted. :( Comes with time I guess, maybe soon I'll do it. Just maybe.

He promised me when we broke up, that when I am finally home, he'd tell me how he sincerely feels. We'd basically go out, have a drink and talk, I guess. At least that was the idea to me. But it never happened. I've been home for 2 months now, and nothing. I saw him, a few times, but that's about it. He tapped my arm just to say hi, that's an effort, but that about it. He leaves me hanging when we're chatting, like I saw a ray of hope for us, "It was good to see you again though" kind of hope, BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT. Nothing more.

It's frustrating. But I learned that I just gotta leave nature to work on its own. The more I meddle, the more "That's About It"s I'm gonna get. It makes me wanna pull my head off!

I just pray that he'd come along soon, even if it's just to talk, and nothing works out. I'm leaving soon, and maybe not ever wanting to come back home anymore because I feel unpurposeful here now. I know, ridiculous me, I have my family, my friends, but it doesn't appeal to me anymore. I feel like everything is pushing me away and I'm pushing everything away. I used to want to come home, because I have him to jump to besides family, but now it's just...nothing. I'm being very unreasonable, yes I am. I'm letting one guy destroy me.

I'll be fine.

Promise. I just want to find myself now. I felt like I lost half of me. Now I gotta find it. It was dumped somewhere in this world.

Oh poo hoo dramatic me. Such a desperate loser. *shakes head*

I guess that's it, my once upon a time.

Sorry for the sappiness. Happiness on the next post perhaps.

Toodles.

Is it realisation?

Oh it's been so long since I blogged! Life must've been busy. Gosh, busy with dramas perhaps.

Shit's happened so fast that to keep track of my own life is so complicating and I think I even gave up. I think.

To start, I'd say college life has been fine. Studying and all. Grades are moderate. Payment's been negotiated and I manage to get the loan from the government, Thank You Lord! But when it comes to friends...well...as always, bumpy roads.

Reen is no longer a friend, or that sister I accepted in my heart (probably part of me still think she is), or my house-mate. If she sees this post, she'd probably go HU-HAA again because I'm "back-stabbing" her. Because according to her, all Filipinos are like that. Yeap, those words still sting worst than a bee sting. Sigh. I guess, for the year 2012, what I can learn for the billionth time is that, we can't trust people so much. Especially when they're not of one you grew up with, or knew before you became close. It just becomes a shipwreck EVERY TIME. First Zoe, then Michelle, then Reen. Bleh! Even Zoe I can forgive because it was a petty matter. Michelle, I still haven't want to accept as a friend, not any more I guess but I've forgiven her. I mean, we were just teenagers making stupid mistakes and decisions.

But Reen...my god, Reen. She screwed with me like a hurricane! I have to say, she is believably psychotic! It may hurt her, no, it WILL hurt her if I of all people say that. Because I've stayed with her for 10 months! 10 friggin months man. Imagine my pain when she said I was "intrusive", a "back-stabber", I "invite" myself into her life. I fucking got shot in the brains!

I'm still not over it. I dare say it here. I put on a face when I see her. I kill her many times in my brain when I hear her voice in class. Sometimes when the sight of her irritated me to the max because of how heartless she appears to be, I wished she would just die. From her stupid disease or something. But I'd stop and tell myself to wake up and get real. That's how life is. God gave me tough situations not because He wants to torture me, but because He wants me to be prepared for the worst. He wants me to know the world. He wants me to realise why He sometimes punishes the evil. He wants me to help Him.

I try. I can't promise because I'm not ready to completely forgive. My heart still prick. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

My mother was right, I give in to friends. I love them too much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm normal for having such a heart?

Because at the end of the day, they only think of themselves.

Screw that dilemma. Guess what's the next realisation?

My mother don't understand me. :/ That's what I think. Well mum, if you see this, or you hear it from a friend, I want you to know that maybe at time, you don't know how your child feel like. Maybe I've been away too long, you can't feel what I feel any more. At least not so accurate.

I don't hate you for nagging all the time. I just wish you'd talk to me as my age. The tone I mean. And quit accusing me of something! I never said I'm old enough to decide for myself that I don't require your advice. I just said I'm old enough, lay back a little and let me do what I do. When the mistake is done, then you shoot your "I told you so". You've told me what I need to know while I grew up, now I wanna live it. I know you care, I care too. I do love myself. I'm not silly enough to give myself in to trouble. Yeah, okay, I'm a flight-risk, but doesn't mean I wanna die all the time. Or get raped. Or be molested. Or be dumb and be exploited. God gave me brains! You planted me enough knowledge! I'm using it!

I just want the opportunity to show you, even if it's not something to be proud of.

You're my mum, my best-friend. Someone I talk to. And you've got to stop competing with my boyfriend. I know you want respect, we do respect you. We just want you to accept us.

Well, I won't be surprised if you saw this, or you heard it from your friend, and yell at me again because I don't know how to compare what personal matter is and public matter.

I KNOW.

I just DON'T CARE.

Because I can't talk to you about it. Because just so you know, I'm not the only one who don't listen. You don't too. When you're mad, you don't even see me as your daughter. That's how I feel.

So I'm sorry. This is me. I'm different, yes. Very true. Because I've been exposed to the world, the wicked, the vulgarities, and I've learned to put on a skin that people hate to see when they piss me off. I can't be like before any more. I refuse to. Because now I believe that if I have something to say, I'll say it. But if you won't hear me, I'll post it until you find out.

Then you'd know how I really feel.

I wish you'd know how I always cry behind you after we fight.

I can lose a friend any-time. I don't wanna lose a mum.

We can fight. But please promise me what you used to promise; "I won't keep my anger to sleep. I'll be better in the morning."

It's been 2 days mum. Please be okay or I won't like staying home, and you'll keep being mad because I'll keep going out.

Sigh.

Tale of the Unwritten

Twice now. Once again another similar nightmare. I can't put my finger on what I did to make myself earn this. I can't put blame on my Holy Bible either. It's not it. The nightmares were there before I even bought the book.

I was figuring out just about how I could explain it to anybody. Is it even normal for one to have repeated dreams? Is it supposed to carry a sign? But what could it be? I’m not proud to be a disloyal Christian and having these frightful nightmares at times made me wonder if it has anything to do with religion.

I mean, one of those I could remember began with...

'...the vivid picture given was of me running down flights of stairs, trying to reach the stable ground of humanity, but I have to pass through a spiritual realm, where disturbed spirits were walking the grounds, pushing me off guard, misleading my faith and calling me to follow them. I couldn’t tell if this was God calling me, or was it Him putting me to test to see whether I could still believe in Him while surviving that menace He threw upon me. I fear at one point, that I might not even make it out of this dream. What if I die in my own disregarded dream?

I remembered saying a prayer as those flights of stairs I downed endlessly. I said the Our Father. I sang it. But then, I scared myself when towards the end of the prayer, I’ve forgotten the lines. I was unable to complete my sentence, my prayer and there and then my faith shook. But also I recalled, I put my foot down to steady and rebuilt my belief. It wasn’t right, I had told myself. Then, there was this clear picture again, that was there in the last dream God knows when – I was in the spiritual realm where there was only a narrow pathway for us to walk and the rest was water with the dead swimming in it and burned grounds which I dare not step onto. And again, the big black round stone was sitting in the way of our path and no more stairs were to be seen. We were still supposed to walk down. Captivated by fear, we then noted that in the far west, we could see the broken down dungeon, the sounds of screams of deaths penetrated our ears and the scratch of the metal ball with the gruesome floor echoed in the distance. How was it that from the top of an old flat apartment floor, lead us here through a fire exit. What was the significance? And I woke up.'

That wasn't all. There were others. Sometimes it scares me, sometimes it amuses me, sometimes I feel used; I needed to write it all down when I can remember them.

'I was running. Around the church if I wasn't wrong. There were the familiar pebbles on the side walls below its black grills. However it didn't feel like the church. The mood was goth-like and there was a roof above us. It wasn't supposed to cave us like that. We were not prisoners, we were supposed to walk free.

Then I realised. I had a veil on my head. I could see the hood falling right above my forehead - it wasn't too clear. Maybe it was just my imagination in a dream. The crowd was buzzing, in and out through the entrance as I got closer. They went with me, and they went against me. I was looking for someone, Daryl. I was meant to surprise him, he didn't know I was home - was it home now? At the end of the alley, I finally reached the entrance and there I saw 2 familiar women. One smiled at me and hugged me and the other was startled to see me. And that's when I made a turn and he walked passed me. His uncharactered face, slunting walk and poster figure - passed me as if I wasn't just standing there awaiting him. I don't know if it was what I wanted to see or whether he really did looked at me for less than a second before he was swallowed by the congregation in the church. I remembered smiling, and was satisfied, and was ready to walk away. But before I could, he walked out of the church with a shocked expression and he scurried to hug me.
"Surprise, surprise" was all I said to him. I couldn't remember if I was on the verge of tears or not.

I just knew at that moment, the significance was the red pen in my hand.

And I woke up.

But dozing once more, remembering how it felt with him in my arms, it was a different dream that came to me.

There was a bed outside this white Semi-D. Right outside its brownish gate. Queen sized bed. I was laying on it, seemingly asleep. But I awoke then, leaving my purse by the side of its comfortable pillow, slipping my feet into my blue sneakers, I walked into the garage of the house. The doors were closed. Everything was except the outside gate. There was only the sound of wind and tinsy bit of cricketing around the area. Beneath the window was a bench, and there I sat waiting for something, or someone rather. I didn't know.

Then I heard the front door open, and there was this wooden plank sound against the cemented floor. It was like a KHUNK, and then followed by the sound of the slipper, and another KHUNK, then the slipper. I bend forward to get a view on my left and there was this man; one of his legs was a rod. Not literally, just that it was amputated from knee down and it was replaced with some wood-ish stuff. He walked out, to the bed I was sleeping on. In the dream, my heart was beating, I was thanking God that I left the bed. I felt that he was a harmful man. Then I saw him picked up my purse, and his head quickly turned at where I was sitting at the bench. My chest was pounding then, I didn't think quick enough that he might see me sitting there. It was after all his house. He made a dash for me and he was real fast for a one-leged man. I was frightened, I dashed as well. Out through the other gate while he chased after me.

I was crying, and running away - it became a blur. I sped so fast, not thinking where to go and when to stop, not looking back. I remembered taking a right turn and my shoe came off on one side. Up till the end of the street, to another intersection up ahead and finally I stopped and sat by the drain side for a breather. While doing so, my head was looking around for that man. He wasn't around anymore. Was he even chasing after me? Good Lord. I glanced once more and my eyes just stopped at the sight of an unfinished building. I could've sworn it wasn't there earlier. It really wasn't. Inside its darkness, there was a slight glow, some sort of a white light and there was a red heart shaped stuff as well. One moment it brightens, the next it fades. As if it was calling for me. But I was too focused on gasping for air, I couldn't give two shits about it. For all I know, it could be my eyes playing games with me since I was kind of seeing stars from the running.

Then a little boy tapped on my shoulder.
"You must come back" he said, eyes piercing deeply into mine. He felt unreal, but he could touch me. He wasn't fiction. "They need you, you must come back" and he pointed at the undone building, directly at the white light that still seemed to be there. The whole scenario was gulping me down. It was like deja vu when the boy hugged me - the building, the yellow-orange plastic tricycle, the light, the heart. What is it?!'

I couldn't decide, and I felt lost. I never lost faith completely, just usually a little doubt. But somehow, these nightmares got me thinking to search out for what He wants me to do. That's why I bought the Holy Bible. To read for guidance, to read to understand. I was judged for it; but I never took harsh comments seriously. It's not something I would believe if I know my reasons to my actions.

I don't have much questions, but it comes while I read. But the questions are not in forms of words, they come through feeling. Like there's so many question marks being scratched out in my soul, but actually no questions, just the questions marks.

And the strange becomes stranger when the nightmares took a different turn once I started reading. The first dream wasn't too bad I guess. It was more like a movie.

'It looked as if we were working for the CIA - me, mum, dad. I remembered only at one point, I was being burnt. It was an open field. Something that looked like the field behind the block of my high school, only it had higher grounds. I was crouching, a gun in hand, aiming at a person at the other end of the field. We were flawless, careful but suddenly I was on the ground, injured. The next thing I know, I felt my skin sizzling beneath me. There was fire. Like charcoal my arm became. It burned, turned orange, then black, then it began falling piece by piece like charcoal in fire. I knew I was dreaming. In reality, I could feel the soft bedsheet beneath my skin, I could feel my hair splayed out on the pillow, but I couldn't open my eyes. I was squirming in bed, struggling to wake up. My mind was half on earth, half in my dream. I was burning in my dream, but I was squirming in bed. That was really disturbing. And eventually, I woke up.

But from the tire, I slept back off, and the dream where my parents and I, we were in the elevator, with this man in a full suit carrying a suitcase. He looked important, he looked dangerous. There was a conversation going on but it's a blur now. All I knew was we were supposed to get away from this man. So when the elevator doors part open, I saw my parents dashed out quickly, and this man raced after them, but I just stood there, and took the ride down. My dad's phone was with me, I didn't know why. For a minute I was relaxing, and then I was panicking, wishing the damn thing would go any faster. Once out, I saw my parents waiting with frown lines, they waved for me to hurry. I ran, then we ran, ran for the car up the hill. They were yelling at me, vulgars of worries to how I shouldn't be risking my life back there. The man could've killed me. But when we got away from it all, the whole dream just ended with a humour that dad wanted to buy a private jet plane.'

What are my dreams telling me? It's driving me insane! And just last night, it got freakier. My roommate said she woke up finding my hand up in the air, moving a lot. She should've woke up. It wasn't a pleasant nightmare. It was the same nightmare, I just don't remember from which sleep...

'#172, room 212. That was the address. I didn't know where I was but my cousins were with me - Christopher and Steven. As to why they were there, I don't even know. We were running - yes, running again. It's like a bloody marathon - away from bunch of kids? Adults? Uncertainty. The road was clear, skies were grey, there were bumps to avoid, to jump from. Until we reached the corner - out of no where mum came out from hiding, she was with a sign. A blue sign with white numbers sprayed on it. "172" it wrote largely and with the sign mum motioned to my right and that's where we took a turn to run into. It was then the bunch of kids/adults weren't chasing us anymore. The havoc was gone. It was silent, where all we could hear was the thumping of our heartbeats and our footsteps. The area of the building we entered felt isolated. It was like living things weren't meant to step foot on its grounds. Me and my cousins made a round of the perimeter, there was no where else to go. A large building which goes only around, and had one entrance. So we entered to search, but everything was ruined, and dusty and just broken apart. And it wasn't the ground floor on the ground floor. It was the eighth floor, on the ground floor. It was really strange. Then we found stairs at another corner of the building. Doors just seem to pop out of nowhere. It's said so because we didn't see that door earlier. There was nothing but the entrance door and suddenly there's the stairs door? But maybe we missed it.

The stairs were these beautiful yet old wood, arranged plank by plank, with the shadows of darkness peeking in between the holes. The wood creaked beneath us. Reaching the top, my cousins took the right hallway, I was going to the left when a woman walked out of the door and by accident she kicked off one slipper. Being nice, I walked down to get it for her. The shadows were creeping me out, felt like I was being watched. And when I went to hand back the slipper, she had a child with her. I noticed how their faces don't seem to be smiling. It was very...lifeless. Uncharactered. She thanked me, but it felt like she didn't.

I shrugged off the emotion creeping up my spine. This wasn't the time to freak out. I knew what I was up against in this dream. I knew it was something bad. I KNEW. I went on to search the left hallway then, but it wasn't much of a hallway. Shortly ahead, there was a thin white curtain draped from the ceiling. As if beyond it was a living room. I could hear the television, but there wasn't any sound of life. Some sort of breeze was blowing the curtain, allowing to to sashay, but no wind touched my skin.

I passed the curtain and was startled by the stoning sideview of an old lady's face on my left. She was trained on the television. There were kids too, some just focusing on the show, some were eyeing me.
"Hi..." I voiced, feeling uneasy. How was it possible to have a living room out in a hallway? On the second floor. Where were the rooms? "I'm looking for room 212?"

The old lady's head turned sudddenly, facing me and the television just went static. Her face was pale and unmoving. Her eyes didn't blink and they were abnormal. They were completely blue. It was as if they were blue pearls, only I didn't find them attractive, I find them scary as hell.
"Over here!" I heard Steven's voice called out on the right hallway when I was just making my way there. I walked in a fast pace but suddenly there was weight rested upon me. The presence in the building was very VERY heavy. I tried muttering a prayer but my mouth was being shut up. My tongue was frozen, my lips unmoving. I forced myself to speak, to keep going with the prayer. It's not time to give up. I kept going, in my heart, in my mind.
"Father Lord, I pray upon myself and upon the deal before me, I pray for Your blessings be shed in here, for Your guidance and protection..." my mouth was frozen. I fought it. "Our Father in heaven, Holy be Your name..." SHUT.

I attempted a yell, I couldn't. My ears felt blocked and greasy. My shoulders and body felt weight being given.
"In the name of Je-..." SHUT. "OH MY GOD!!!" I belted out and that's when the doors began opening fiercely and Steven's voice appeared. He walked out from the left room.
"212" he pointed ahead of him.

I walked in and it was bright. There was a television set, a chair and on it she sat. I couldn't remember if she was brunette or blonde. I knew her. But I don't know her. She smiled and her pretty faced sent shivers in me.
"May God bless you and protect you child. May this demon within you, LEAVE. In the name of Jesus, I nngggggghhhh..." SHUT.

I closed my eyes and did the sign of the cross. It was a struggle to even do so. I knelt down and prayed out loud - trying to at least.
"Our Father in heaven, nnnnngghhhhhnnnnn, Your nngghhhhh come, Your will be done, on nngggrrrhhhggg annghh unnn...on earth ngg as...unnghh..it is..in ngghh...heaven"

The girl laughed and her white eyes trained on me.

I became enraged and signalled the sign of the cross before her face. It wasn't a good thing for her I think as her face suddenly turned bitter.
"What did you just do?" she growled.
"The sign of the cross. Father will bless you. His will be done-"
"What did you do?!" it was louder now. I didn't know what came to me but I stood up and placed my right hand a top her head and finished my prayers in silence. The Our Father, the Hail Mary, the Glory Be.

She struggled, she couldn't touch me. Half way in my prayers, my dad walked in. His eyes were on me at first, then he saw the girl. I told him to get out, it was a demon. Why was he even there in the first place? When I was done, I let go and backed away. The girl was angered. She was speaking a different language. It seemed vulgar. I backed away, and from the door there were people coming in. Some were holding guns, some were with a rosary.

WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON?
#172, room 212.

Then I woke up'

The worst thing to say is that i've only read up to Chapter 10 of Genesis and these are the nightmares i'm having. Would I manage the whole book?

"Yellow for Endo" - World Endometriosis Awareness

This post is specially dedicated to my roommate; my bestfriend; my sister. I'll get you as much supporters as I can and show you that you're not alone. In fact, you're never alone. I'm here, God's with you, and so is the rest of the world. So never ever give up on yourself as I promise you i'm always gonna be there for you; when i'm away, my prayers are there; when i'm with you, my strength is for you; when i'm gone, my spirit would most probably be around to guide you. ;)


"Yellow for Endo" is an effort to raise awareness for women fighting with endometriosis. The month of March is dedicated to raise worldwide awareness about this condition.

For the entire day on the 1st of March 2012, WEAR a yellow t-shirt/dress/anything in yellow to show your support and care towards patients of this problem.

Endometriosis affects an estimated 176 million women worldwide regardless of their ethnic and social background. Many remain undiagnosed and are therefore not treated.

Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (the endometrial stroma and glands, which should only be located inside the uterus) is found elsewhere in the body. The body experiences abnormal growth of cells which results in lesions on the ovaries, the fallopian tubes, on the pelvic side-wall (peritoneum), the uterosacral ligaments,the cul-de-sac, the rectal-vaginal septum, on the bladder, on the bowel, on the intestines, colon, appendix, and rectum.

The most common symptom of endometriosis is pelvic pain. For many women, the pain of endometriosis is so severe and debilitating that it impacts their lives in significant ways.

Any woman can be diagnosed with this medical issue and though one possibly may not die from it, they live the rest of their lives in excruciating pain all the time.

If you, or someone you care about, has endometriosis, it is important to research the disease as much as possible.

"Yellow for Endo" is to show that though we may not exactly understand what the person having this problem is going through, we are here to support them and uplift their fighting spirit.

This is the link to join the awareness.

http://www.facebook.com/events/251326808270528/#!/events/251326808270528/

Support is all these fighters need. SUPPORT. We all have a heart, share a piece of fighting spirit with them. ;) They need it; believe it or not. Spread the word for support for the endometriosis fighters!

Merry Christmas & I'm Coming Home Baby!

GOOD LORD. I'm coming home tomorrow! :DDDDD What delight I have in my chest right now. Though I might miss - okay fine, WILL miss my buddies here - I think this year's been too long gone from home and family and old friends that I feel I must celebrate it back home this time. Hehehehe. Maybe next year, when I do my degree, i'll have Christmas here. xD

ANYWAYS! Time to bug Daryl in Facebook. Hope he comes tomorrow. :D I miss him!

dream a little dream of us

Who could possibly tell if it was a good sign or a bad sign if one were to dream of something futuristic? Some may say it depends on the content of it, some may say it's a God sent message to reach it, yet the mind is in daze of the wonder of such dream that brought so much glee in the heart and soul.

Perhaps it's because I love you much and perhaps it's that "one day" thing that I try to think less of so it would actually come true; I wouldn't know. All I felt in it was love, happiness and it felt so right.

So it was last night's dream that made it so impossible for me to tell you because I might be shy to admit the fact that I loved it, because it's so unexpected for a girl who's never even thought about the issue and maybe because I want it to actually happen someday? :$ I'm sorry i'm a sucker for love Sweety. Hehe.

Okay, it started casually, it was at my grandmother's old house, something stupid that I can't recall; there wasn't me and you yet. It was me and somebody else. I know I was looking drenched and tired and I was so busy with things. I was taking in the clothes as the rain drizzled down. And the next thing I remember was people were dressing me up, preparing me for something I, the dreamer, couldn't quite click into mind. Then the vision just dashed me off to a bombastic huge hall, there were sooooo many people in there and I was standing - in a beautiful white gown, wearing comfortable heels, smiling so widely, my arm was linked in yours. As for you, you were suited up in a handsome tuxedo, your face was glowing as mine was as well. Your eyes were trained on me, just as how the crowd's eyes were on me. It was the most magnificent feeling to stand by you, with God knows how many people were there as witness to this bright - golden, white, red - matrimonial ceremony of us. Yes sweetheart, that's why it's special - it's our wedding.

It was very strange though that in the dream, I refused to choose my father to walk down the aisle with me. I wanted you by my side as I walked down, it seemed that I didn't want my man to wait for my arrival by the altar, rather I want him with me, stand by me, entering this new world with me. And it was a very new experience where I, as the bride, was given so much compliment on how beautiful I looked, how tears were shed that I don't look like me, how it's amazing a plain and simple girl could be glowing in her fair gown, glitter like an expensive material as the colour gold of the setting compliments her smile and she just looks happy beside her soon to be husband.

Flowers were sprinkled above us as we passed the roaring crowd, I see my friends, I see your friends, our families, you squeezed my hand when we were nearing the altar. When reaching the steps, you let go of me and the overwhelming feeling of having you as mine soon made me stutter in breath. While I climbed the steps up the altar, once again I was complimented on beauty, on amazement and there and then, you took my hand again and for some reason I felt safe and loved. I turned to look at the crowd and I was embraced with reality, shocking my system that i'm about to begin a new life with you. It was hard to imagine the life we had before at that moment.

We were then seated by the side after the ceremony, gifts were being placed in the front. We had piles of it - quite unbelievable. Our wedding seemed so poshed and gay. It's funny how when I reflected on our conversation of marriage, I remembered telling you I only wanted something simple but you wanted it big and eventful. Lol. But maybe, something like this dream might be a dream come true. As the crowd watched us sitting together on the altar side, while gifts were slowly being placed on the creatively decorated table, I held your hand, remembering how these hands used to be just normal lovers, and comparing them to the present dream. Then you started kissing my hand like you always do. I guess at that time I was too overwhelmed to say anything, so I just leaned on your shoulder.

At that moment, I closed my eyes, everything was dark and passionate, and when I opened them, I appeared in another room. I was sitting facing the dressing table. My reflection was staring back at me and my hair was no more mounted with the veil, my make up was lighter now as it was wiped off and I wasn't in my gown. I then started to wonder what happened to the bright and happy wedding. On my right was the toilet door and it was partially open. I was still wondering and questioning myself, was I dreaming only? Did the wedding not happen?

Then only I heard your voice coming from the toilet calling me "Asawa" which then sent bolts of joy down my body. I pushed the door open to see whether it's really you, and yes I saw you and you smiled at me. I kept staring until you came over to kiss me gently. Once again, I felt as if everything was right. I've got you, your scent, your touch and your love. I couldn't remember what you said before you kissed me again and that's when the dream ended. Sadly, it ended and I woke up smiling and wondering where I was. Until it clicked to me that i'm currently an 18 year old student, dating you who appeared to be across South China Sea, and so far so good, i'm in love with you. The amount of joy in my heart this morning was undescribable but questions of losing you were taunting my mind. What if this dream was a bad sign. :/ I pray not and i'll keep having faith.

Hence, finally I have a dream of my own wedding. Perhaps this not much of a girl your dating, could finally be a girl in some ways. :)